I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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