Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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