This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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