I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
