if i can run in heels then i can drive
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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