i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
