I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
