Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
