I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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