looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
