why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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