I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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