I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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