i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How does one acquire holy water?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
