I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
