His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
