i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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