I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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