guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
