If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
