Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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