I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
