Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
is wine microwaveable?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dude. I can hear the air.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
