I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
