I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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