My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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