Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
