I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
