He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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