So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
