they need to just BURY HIM!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
