had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I cut my penus on the lid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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