Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just high enough for therapy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
