We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
