It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
