Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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