she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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