What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
