Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
