i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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