I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
