I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
