Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
