I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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