My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
