birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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