i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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