My cat gives me a boner
home. puking in laundry basket.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
