I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
