apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
