Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
