There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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